Adapted from The Gun Gale OnlineAS CORONAVIRUS DEATH TOLLS RISE, EXPERT JOURNALISTS SEEK ANSWERS
As Coronavirus Death Tolls Rise, Expert Journalists Seek Answers
Monday, March 2, 2020, 2:46pm
As thousands of new cases of the novel coronavirus disease are being confirmed around the world, scientists involved with developing vaccines are being scrutinized—occasionally to the point of harassment—for their role in obfuscating the horrifying truth behind the virus.
“It’s too late,” says Meredith “Modelo” Trinkebarrel, long-time beer enthusiast and rotary wing aviator. “When Clyde caught it, we all knew. The whole gamblasted neighborhood knew.” Trinkebarrel has been involved in alcoholic spy expeditions for decades, reports The Gun Gale Online. As a child, she paved the way for multinational brewing company Anheuser-Busch to find its presence in paleorural Idaho, which to this day enjoys imported Belgian drinking festivals personalized for their potato-happy culture. Trinkebarrel’s loyalties, however, are tied with Modelo, whose beer she remembers drinking at the time she was abandoned by her parents for “stocking the house repeatedly with posters of Marilyn Monroe.”
Trinkebarrel has been a frequent critic of Anheuser-Busch’s move to purchase Modelo, calling it “a betrayal of beer politics” and “a horror for the tradition of brand loyalty.”
“I don’t get it, really. If Corona’s made by Modelo, and Modelo’s bought by Busch, who’s calling the shots anymore?” pouts Terry Blythe, resident of Iqaluit, Nunavut. “Maybe Busch is the bad guys. Maybe Modelo is.” His sentiments are largely mirrored by Trinkebarrel, who has expressed similar concerns about inheritance and beer lineage.
“Meredith [Trinkebarrel] is right. Who writes the will? Who gets what? These brand purchases are too complicated, and I fear personal accountability will slip through the cracks by the time coronavirus sweeps the nation,” writes Billy Lumbhorn for an op-ed for his local fashion magazine. The magazine refused to publish it.
Trinkebarrel, Blythe, and Lumbhorn all share something in common: they all believe that Corona beer is at fault for the Wuhan coronavirus outbreak. Polling shows that these fears are shared by 39% of Americans, who now refuse to buy Corona as a result of the outbreak. This should be of no surprise, as disinformation campaigns have been actively spreading conspiracy theories regarding the coronavirus disease. The Internet has time and time again shown to be an effective medium for spreading false theories, and the coronavirus phenomenon is no outlier. Trinkebarrel and Lumbhorn, notorious Luddites, have successfully evaded misinformation attacks by covering their domiciles in saran wrap and exclusively writing in cursive. They both hope that the statistic cited earlier rises to 100%.
“I’m still waiting on the truth,” says Blythe. He delivers this information by breathing on the glass window and using his index finger to write out his message. Some letters are written backwards—two upside down—but The Gun Gale Online appreciates his effort. Blythe, unlike Trinkebarrel and Lumbhorn, occasionally uses the Internet to check his e-mail, which we believe slightly corrupts his testimony based on the evidence provided. He has protested against our judgment, citing himself as “among the 39%,” which we confirm to be categorically untrue based on the fact that he is Canadian.
With the lines blurred between fantasy and reality, even scientists have become difficult to trust. “What? Corona beer, the origin of the coronavirus? Are you kidding me? Get the hell outta here!” cried out Dr. Harry P. Wallace, M.D., an adjunct professor with few accolades. We spent two hours interrogating him with a baseball bat, reminding him that the bat was just for show, but the spikes weren’t. Luckily, The Gun Gale Online has its own team of scientists, who have been shunned by the international scientific community for exposing conspiracies about whales and vegan milk.
Dr. Garish, who has been growing a four-foot-long beard to show off at the Iowa Geriatrics Festival, was hardly eager to present her case on the coronavirus outbreak, but we insisted that her beardly wisdom contributed greatly to the cause. Finally on board, Garish came back the next day with slides of her beard growth over the past six months, citing “national averages.” Realizing that she had been corrupted by the Internet, we dropped our correspondence with Garish.
Milton Syles, an intern-turned-scientist, has provided The Gun Gale Online with close-up micrographs of the SARS-CoV-2 virus. He claims to have sampled them from “trips in South Korea hunting for bibimbap.” We made sure to keep our distance, as we could not yet afford saran wrapped hazmat suits. Though virgin olive oil proved to be a handy substitute, we were forced to analyze his pictures from across the room.
Syles’ findings have, however, been revelationary; close-ups suggest that the form of the SARS-CoV-2 virus is indeed that of a microscopic Corona Extra bottle superimposed on top of a virus, as though it had been photoshopped. Trinkebarrel, Blythe, and Lumbhorn’s call for corporate accountability are therefore a spark of lucid thinking—indeed, who is at fault for this?
Though The Gun Gale Online does not yet have answers to these startlingly complicated questions, we recommend the following courses of action: cut off your Internet; block off Wi-Fi waves using saran wrap; do not drink beer. Trinkebarrel closes off with a bold, yet cautionary message: alcohol kills, and it may now start killing people at rates previously unforeseen.